DAN doctor

Just trying to get some thoughts down "on paper" today. Maybe I will sleep better tonight.

Jesse's first appointment with a DAN doctor is next Friday. I'm feeling really mixed about it...nervous about all the tests and what they will show, worried about how drastically we may have to change our diet, but excited about the possibility of significant improvement in reducing Jesse's self injurious behaviors. He has gotten worse over the last year and we can no longer ignore that fact. I had to buzz cut his hair because he would pull it out in clumps when he got frustrated or angry. He also hits himself in the face, bangs his head on walls, breaks things on purpose, hits and/or kicks other people, bites himself, yells at people to "shut up," calls himself stupid, and when he said he didn't want to live anymore, I called the doctor.

Jesse doesn't relate well with his peers. He doesn't seem to understand that his actions in this moment will affect, long term, his relationship with the people around him. He's very frustrated in group settings because he can't seem to get everyone to stop what they're doing and listen to him when he has something to say. He gets upset when other people are not following the rules, but he will sometimes break them himself.

As I'm writing this, I'm thinking, "Why am I having such a hard time accepting his diagnosis? He's just like Hunter was at this age, but without the hyperactivity." I think some of it is just knowing the road over the next few years will be a very difficult one. It's a very fine line to walk between protecting him from too much stimulation (which almost always ends in a bad experience) and preventing him from getting the social interaction he needs to improve his social skills. Jesse loves his Cub Scout meetings and activities, but I get nervous and stressed out before every meeting. I dread taking my boys out anywhere, because I never know how things will go. I almost never take them anywhere together. They feed off of each other and can magnify a meltdown ten fold. It's embarrassing and painful to get obviously disapproving looks from other parents.

School is increasingly difficult because Jesse doesn't like writing. He hates to spell things wrong and shuts down if he does. He has difficulty staying focused and completing tasks. He is always busy playing or fiddling with things, but usually still retains the lesson being taught. In reading out loud, he often will guess at words after seeing the first couple of letters, even if he's familiar with the word. It's like he's in a hurry, but often the words he substitutes don't make sense in the sentence. He still continues to read on without stopping to correct himself. He is easily bored, especially in repetitive, rote activities such as math.

It's getting late, I'm getting tired, and I'm not sure I'm making sense anymore...